


i feel so much at once that i could scream

by Notaboutlove



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, F/F, Riverdale, cheryl blossom - Freeform, mentions of josie and that thing we don't talk about, toni topaz - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notaboutlove/pseuds/Notaboutlove
Summary: Cheryl Blossom going into a tailspin after that interaction in the bathroom





	i feel so much at once that i could scream

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from Stars by Angel Olsen. A good song for when that existential angst creeps up on you. I've been reading fanfiction since Buffy but this is the first time ever I've been compelled to write for any fandom. I hope I did this justice. Kudos and comments are appreciated!

Cheryl Blossom paced the empty classroom, a storm raging inside of her after that short but explosive encounter in the bathroom. She hardly had time to separate all of her feelings before her next period.

  
_Rage_ , at having someone she disliked, let alone barely knew, invade her physical boundaries. _Fear_ , at having someone see beneath the surface. Confrontation always had others waving a white flag and running away with their tail between their legs, everyone knew better than to stand up to a Blossom (not that many dared venture that close). This small unassuming girl (Serpent jacket or not), whose entire collective knowledge of her must have solely entailed the rumors that surrounded her and her family’s tragic backstory, had dared cross a threshold she had no business in. Somehow, she had seen past Cheryl’s defenses, which seemed to drape her shoulders as casually as a tastefully selected outfit, and shockingly, instead of cowering like everyone, hadn’t thought twice about reaching out to comfort and console someone who had verbally attacked her during their initial encounter (she also remembers the Serpent ready to throw down then).

  
There was the vague sense of _shame_ , after everything with Josie, unrelated to this girl, but it had decided to tag along anyway. Josie was none the wiser about the strange and terrifying occurrences, but the guilt was always floating close by. And now she was busy on some secret exploit with Kevin. She could sense her attention shifting, wavering, disappearing. She could still call Josie a friend, but there was a noticeable shift, maybe not to everyone else, but Cheryl mourned the loss of it. The situation had quickly slipped away from her, when all she’d wanted was to show Josie what she meant to her. Shower her with the affection and attention someone as brilliant and talented as her deserved. The more demanding she became, the harder Josie tried to put distance between them, and the more outrageous and frantic her tactics became.

  
There were other things she didn’t dare give names to that she wanted where Josie was concerned but to open that pandora’s box meant something wild and untamable and dangerous. Cheryl’s wanting was consuming and she did not know where it ended. The situation had only proved what she secretly feared, she couldn’t trust herself, and certainly not her desires.

  
There was _irritation_ , at the floundering hope that dared to rear its head, quietly proposing that perhaps having an allly, dare she say it, a _friend_ , wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to her. Not by a long shot. Her arm still tingled where the girl’s hand had so boldly lingered. Beneath all these incendiary emotions, the one she least wanted to acknowledge, was _sadness_. A hollow ache that was always dully there but now was gaping and more pronounced.

  
She was used to her presence being balked at in fear or revulsion, depending on her location (revulsion was exclusively for home). Cheryl was not a touchy-feely person. She did not particularly like hugs (at least it’s what she’d told herself), nor did she receive them, it was not something she was brought up with. She had long ago stopped expecting anything resembling warmth or affection from her family (barring Jason, but that was no longer an option). So yes, most people gave her a wide berth. She was used to this, did not overthink it, merely accepted it as an unchanging facet of her life. But this simple, random touch had sparked something in her she couldn’t seem to shake off.

  
Once she had stormed out of the bathroom, she had found an empty room to fume and panic in in peace. She continued to pace the rows of desks, thinking of all the ways she could make that girl (that stupidly, ridiculously, attractive girl) pay. To remind her of her place in their social hierarchy and that absolutely no one crossed a Blossom without paying some kind of consequence. She leaned her back against the teacher’s desk and in that moment of stillness, that hollow feeling revealed itself to her.

  
_Oh_.

  
Her eyelashes fluttered closed. She took in a shaky breath, suddenly now afraid of her out of control emotions. All her actions were perfectly calculated, this was terrifying, to say the least. Unbidden, the thought she did not want to give voice to that found a home in her consciousness.

  
_It had been so long since anyone had touched her_.

  
Especially romantically. Objectively Cheryl knew she was attractive and that she inspired envy in women and fascination in men. She had her pick of anyone on any sports team (probably a few of the Vixens as well). But these were people that wanted her for her body. The personality that came attached to said body was of no consequence; simply an inconvenience. For a brief moment she let herself grieve the fact that no one had bothered to get to know her beyond a physical plane. She’d never had the easy love and commitment that seemed effortless between those idiots, _Varchie_ and _Bughead_ ; just thinking about their relationship names made her cringe (she tried not to think about what they could be doing at this moment on their couple’s getaway, lest she make herself ill on top of everything else). No one held her books or purchased flowers for her. She didn’t even have what _Beronica_ had. If Archie and Jughead had been out of the picture, she would have bet money on something flourishing between those two. Granted, their friendship seemed tumultuous as of late, but they always seemed to find a way back to each other.

How quaint.

  
How revolting.

  
Cheryl could have easily commanded all those things from people. Any boy would line up to carry her books or kiss her feet if she willed it. But that wasn’t the point. She wanted it to come from some selfless, authentic place. She wanted to be wanted. To be so adored as to inspire the disgusting lovesick exchanges couples like Moose and Midge traded. Her rage resurfaced to the forefront when she felt pricks in the corners of her eyes. How dare that Southside scum remind her how utterly alone in this world she was.

  
⃰ ⃰⃰ ⃰  
Weeks later she’d look back on her meltdown in wonder. The same girl that had sent her into a tail spin was the same person who could ease her anxiety and pain with a simple touch and a look of concern. She needed the physical reassurance of her support. And now that she had it, she was not willing to let it go. Their shoulders brushed when they walked, their fingers occasionally grazed while doing homework, legs nudged sitting side by side in the library or sharing the same seat in the student lounge. Cheryl worried it might be too much, but when Toni pressed back assuredly, she knew it wasn’t just her. It emboldened her to be liberal with her affections, a new concept to her, exhilarating and liberating. Toni more than eagerly leaned into everything Cheryl gave her and Cheryl wanted to give her _everything_.

**Author's Note:**

> I've written like 2 other fics, I've been trying to finish them so that I could post them before the premiere this week (I've been telling myself this all summer and now here we are, 3 days away). you can yell at me or gush about choni and beronica  
> @ didyoulookunderthesofainhell


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